25 Club Rules

To Live or Not To Live By? That is the QUESTION

Narrated by Anonymous Male Party Goer

I recently went to a lounge in NYC for a friend’s birthday. At some point in the night, I notice a chocolate PYT recklessly eyeballin’ me and then pointing me out to her friend. She maneuvers her way over and we dance. We talk for a minute before I let her float away. However, she doesn’t let my catch-and-release tactic deter her, as she continues to hover in my area. I could tell by her empty hand that she would have appreciated if I would have offered to buy her a drink.

Unfortunately for her, I’m not a SIMP who buys face time with women. I’m sure she wishes that I adhere to The Rules.

What are the rules you ask?

The Rules are a set of unspoken guidelines for a successful time in the club/party. With that said, I think these rules are bull****, save a selected few.

Check out this mostly bull**** list with my thoughts in bold

1. Fellas
The bouncer is working and you are out trying to have fun, just wait your turn, get in the club quietly and then act up. You won’t win a head to head with them - don’t bother. True, although some bouncers carry their own prejudices with them to work.

2. Fellas
Take a 20 out of your pocket - throw it on the ground and walk away - that is what you do when you buy a random girl a drink. Save a Jackson. Words to live by. Anyone can buy liquor, but not everyone can charm her.

3. Everyone
If a person in the club is dressed like they can jump in a fight and win - they probably would stay clear.

4. Ladies
If his car note is more than his rent/mortgage - stop talkin’. Are you really asking this type of question in the middle of getting your Eagle on? BULLSH**

5 Fellas
If her car note is half of her rent/mortgage, and she’s cute - get her number.

6. Ballers
If a bottle costs more than 5 times what it costs in the store you’re getting ripped. 5 times? You’re getting ripped regardless of the factor, so understand that you’re paying for the table and the attention a bottle gets you.

7. Ladies
If he is working while you are partying he is either going to be rich, is already rich - or is doomed to stay broke. Or maybe he has simply has different priorities?

8. Fellas
If the girl you’ve been buying drinks all night says she wants to be a model – have fun. TRUE INDEED

9. Everyone
If the ratio of women to men is under 1.5 to 1 - something is going to jump off - leave early.

10. Fellas
Big girls can move when they want to – the right song at the wrong time has left many a brother bruised and sore – stay clear. Big girls are0Asome of the most fun folks to party and dance with. Stop the hate!

11. Everyone
Just like concerts - unless you are the promoter, bouncer or staff, leave 30 minutes before the party ends, someone’s drunk and they are going to wrap up the party in their own way. CO-SIGN

12. Fellas
If she wasn’t dancing with you in the club don’t try to holla at her outside of it. What if she didn’t get a chance to see you in your full glory inside?

13. Fellas
If someone offers you gum - take it - you might not score with them - but they have salvaged the night for all your other potential moves.

14. Everyone
Make your booty calls 30 minutes before you leave - and from a quiet place. There is nothing worse than uninvited, unannounced drunk visitors or getting a call from someone yelling over loud music at 3 in the morning. Do like I did when I made house calls, have an open door policy and you won’t have to do anything besides make a confirmation call.

15. Ladies
If he doesn’t leave a tip - he’s cheap. Bad service does demand punishment if it’s excessive.

16. Ladies
If he has to ask for the price of any drink besides a bottle - he’s broke or cheap. I’ve gotten surprised by doing this. I practice this rule, but it’s all for appearances. Just don’t go dumb and order rounds of Louis the XIII.

17. Ladies
If he buys you and your ugly friends drinks, call him. It takes a man with class to do that. Classy man or thirsty man? Your choice.

18. Fellas
If she is dancing like she has nothing to lose - she probably doesn’t. BULLSH**

19. Ladies
If he is dancing like he has nothing to lose - he’s drunk, old - or plays for the other team. BULLSH** although it’s known to be occasionally true.

20. Fellas
if you spent less than 15 minutes getting ready to go to the club stay home. BULLSH**

21. Ladies
if you spent less than 30 minutes getting ready to go to the club, please stay home. BULLSH**


22. Everyone
Don’t come to the club just to look cute - DANCE. Monkeys and babies are cute - we’re grown ups. At least two-step it out.

23. Ladies
A suit that has been worn all day has wrinkles - if he is in the club, says he just came from work, and his suit is immaculate - he is perpetrating. As long as he’s not digging ditches in his suit, it shouldn’t be too bad. BULLSH**


24. Everyone
Contrary to popular belief bankers, lawyers and doctors don’t generally pop bottles as hard as hustlas, ballers and players - you’ll have fun in the clubs with one group, the other will send the kids to a good college. You decide. Keep thinking this. The bankers I know go hard in the club and would put the hustlers to shame. Plus, which group will actually pick a baby momma out of the club? Certainly not the bankers, lawyers, and doctors.

25. Ladies
If he says he has kids - ask him where they are - if he doesn’t know - stop talking